This is not a moment of tears or heart ache for this mama. Why, I don’t know, I just have never been one to be super emotional with my kids. I missed Owen (my oldest) when I had to leave him at 6 weeks old at the daycare provider and I returned to my full time Physical Therapist Assistant position. But, I trusted her and was confident in her ability to keep him alive. Plus he was a thumb sucker so was always able to self-soothe.
1st days of kindergarten, the kids have never been fearful, none of them. Maybe this is why I don’t get too emotional? All my kids have never known a stranger and sometimes that is a concern in this day and age but in moments like this where I need them to fly they do so very well.
I realize that I’m only a part of their life and they are only a part of mine. They are not my whole life and my life might temporarily revolve around them and their needs, but just temporarily, I have great visions and ideas God has put in me for when they no longer require my everyday assistance.
Isn’t that the point of #momlife? To work ourselves out of a job, it’s the only job you hope to become fired from. For some of us it’s the only job you may have ever known, and I can understand how that would be scary. But God has great plans for you to continue to be that caregiver in other ways I just know it (Jeremiah 29:11-13). In building great relationships with our children we will always be needed by them too, I mean I still wish at times I could message my mom and ask something or vent. God has made sure to place loving friends in my life to fill this void.
Here is a psychological spin on it, my Mom died when I was 16, my 3 younger sisters were between 6-13, at that moment I became a “mom”, I carried on the schedules and routines my mom had already established (she was VERY good at that). That is why these are still something I cling too, there is this deep-seated feeling that I want my kids to feel confident and prepared if anything should happen. Now, this is completely NOT trusting in God and his plan for me or my kids. God took the best care of me that he could during that period of my life, or as much as I would allow him to. Sometimes we do that, he is waiting with open arms to comfort us, provide wisdom and we do not allow ourselves to be open to that, he can’t force us to love him, it goes against his nature.
Ok so, that is why maybe I don’t fear the kids leaving or school? My Mom being gone at such a young age was HORRIBLE but as an adult I can look back and see the blessings, yes there are blessings in loss. I understand that this life is temporary and I ultimately have zero control of anything but how I respond and how I can choose love in any circumstance. What can I learn from this? What character is this situation helping me build? What is God going to use this growth in me for now?
I can tell you a negative side of this is that I do have too high expectations for my kids and their abilities to be more independent and take care of themselves (for pete’s sake they are 4-11). This is something I continually am asking for wisdom on and reading all I can through my Bible or other authors that come recommended, podcasts, or those moms that are just a step ahead of me. So please share resources that you have benefited from.
While I am an individual that thrives with organization and plans and schedules (I am an Enneagram 6 ). These crazy kids have taught me some chaos and unpredictability is ok and have made me more dependent on God, which I’m sure was his plan all along in throwing us 5 kids in 7 years!
Here is how I see today, this 1st day of school, after a summer full of fighting and loud. It wasn’t all crazy, there were ballgames, pool trips, other trips, time with friends. They have been put on the bus this morning, I have JOY in the peace that I will be getting during the days now, it’s quiet where I can listen more to what God has to say. I’ve been practicing all summer listening for the Holy Spirit in the LOUD it should be simple to pick out that voice when it’s quiet? I’m ready for my own learning and growth. I’ve established new habits during the summer with myself and the kids that the goal would be this will help us thrive completely during the school year.
So whatever feelings may be going on inside your mama heart on these 1st days of school, embrace those and take a moment to think about why you feel this way, why am I thinking this way? Let’s get excited about the next stage God has in his plan for us and our families. He intends for us to feel that joy down deep in our hearts regardless of the circumstance and my prayer for anyone that comes across this is that you have that, or that you are in the process of finding it.
Now, off to declutter toys and do those tasks that have been on the list all summer! Shoot, a blog post in the 1st day when it’s been months since the last one!!! I’m super excited about the 2019/2020 school year.
