I am a motherless daughter now for 23 years today, March 9, 2021
There are so many of us of all ages.
We are so dependent on our moms, being motherless has caused much chaos in my 39 years, leading to an unhealthy need for control. My body has been protecting itself to NOT hurt that bad every again, because it was awful. It was the worst days ever. God was and IS with me, I have felt his compassion in my grief, for if I hadn’t I think I would have gone into a despair too deep to come out of.
I’m a rule follower, I like organization, schedules, routine. So I felt a “good girl” like me shouldn’t have pain like that because only those undisciplined and that misbehave should suffer through hardships and trials. WOW, judgmental right! Follow the rules, never fail and things will be fine. When bad things happen you likely had it coming.
A life with minimal grace is created when you live this way. You don’t have patience to deal with and LOVE those that fail, who mess up. You don’t have any grace for yourself when you mess up or are imperfect. You cover yourself with guilt, which becomes shame. You hold that in because you couldn’t possibly let people think that you really DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER. You feel a burden to others when you do share your deepest ugly thoughts and emotions because there are so many others that are suffering worse things than I’ve dealt with, quit being a baby.
Than you are a parent yourself and you are in your late 30’s. Here is where this motherless daughter is finally learning about the only one she’ll really ever need, her Father God. My savior Jesus, who was not excused from suffering, nor was Moses, Joseph, David or Paul. So many of our Bible “heros” suffered much more and yet through hardship and trials God is there, he gave me grace and compassion when I lacked it for myself and others. He gives power to walk through hard things.
Things happen for a reason (but don’t EVER tell someone that when they are grieving) for our growth, for us to be able to help someone else later with our experiences good and bad. It’s bigger than just me, it’s beyond my understanding EVEN 23 years later!
But…… Jesus, through obedience and surrender HE KNOWS! Lord I need to surrender! Help my unbelief that you can and will fully provide and care for me and strengthen me.
John 16:33 Jesus says
“ In this world you will have trouble. But take heart (have no fear)! I have overcome the world.”
What does obedience and surrender look like?
For me it means giving up control that is fear based, being fearful of illness and anything that produces chaos, so I cycle through “idols” in my life. The cleanliness of my house, how well kept it is, my health and constantly pondering what I’m eating and going to cook, what workout to do, to the point I allow the choices to overwhelm me and anxious feelings or defeat set in. Once I feel defeated or like I have lost the internal battle I have guilt and then I feel shame for having guilt because I just need to trust God right! UGH! Fear of not enough, not doing enough, not having enough finances. Folks this is greed, when we allow ourselves to be constantly focused on money.
Satan is able to take a hold of me in these areas and I’m unable to serve as God desires me to, giving in love of my time, talents and money. For isn’t that the point of life? LOVE and SERVE!
Death, leaving Earth, brings us fear, this should not be. We are told this is only temporary, a blink, a single grain of sand, this life. My belief and faith in God and his word knows this is true, but I still live in fear. It’s one of the most frustrating things in life right now that I allow to steal my true joy. That true joy being a close relationship with God who promises his love and care, LET IT GO GIRL!
In 1 Thessalonians 3, I was reminded GOD DOES NOT PROMISE A LIFE WITHOUT TRIALS, SUFFERING, PAIN AND GRIEF. Obviously this is true or my mom would not have died at 40 leaving 4 children not yet raised and a loving spouse. But over and over and over his promise that he will help us have the power to grow through all of it is there. Did you feel it in your suffering of 2020?
Thank you Jesus and also I pray daily just simply “Jesus HELP ME!” I mean HELP ME with all of it!
Help me through this suffering and to handle it as you did through the worst suffering of the passion, the cross and separation from Father God.
The hardest prayers ever to say and mean it
“THY WILL BE DONE!” and “GOD SEND ME!”
True prayers of total surrender and obedience. I’m not there, but I want to be. Jesus, help me!
And HE HAS! God has led me to this idea of Grace and Wellness a no judgement zone. A place to come and learn and begin the process of change, no matter what stage you are at. A place for me to share journeys in my own life that have improved my body, mind and soul in a healthier way. Our mess is our message! Loss is messy, but in sharing our messes it opens our hearts allows a depth of compassion for others and helps ourselves and sometimes others heal and find peace, joy and the full life that is waiting for them.
I am a motherless daughter
In memory of my Mom, Jayne Carol Poss, who left us March 9, 1998 to be with Jesus.
Are you a motherless daughter? My prayers are with you, no matter when or how it happened.
