I Am A Motherless Daughter

I am a motherless daughter now for 23 years today, March 9, 2021

There are so many of us of all ages.

We are so dependent on our moms,  being motherless has caused much chaos in my 39 years, leading to an unhealthy need for control.  My body has been protecting itself to NOT hurt that bad every again, because it was awful.  It was the worst days ever.  God was and IS with me, I have felt his compassion in my grief, for if I hadn’t I think I would have gone into a despair too deep to come out of.

I’m a rule follower, I like organization, schedules, routine.  So I felt a “good girl” like me shouldn’t have pain like that because only those undisciplined and that misbehave should suffer through hardships and trials.  WOW, judgmental right!  Follow the rules, never fail and things will be fine.  When bad things happen you likely had it coming.

A life with minimal grace is created when you live this way.  You don’t have patience to deal with and LOVE those that fail, who mess up.  You don’t have any grace for yourself when you mess up or are imperfect.   You cover yourself with guilt, which becomes shame.  You hold that in because you couldn’t possibly let people think that you really DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER.  You feel a burden to others when you do share your deepest ugly thoughts and emotions because there are so many others that are suffering worse things than I’ve dealt with, quit being a baby.

Than you are a parent yourself and you are in your late 30’s.  Here is where this motherless daughter is finally learning about the only one she’ll really ever need, her Father God.  My savior Jesus, who was not excused from suffering, nor was Moses, Joseph, David or Paul.  So many of our Bible “heros” suffered much more and yet through hardship and trials God is there, he gave me grace and compassion when I lacked it for myself and others.  He gives power to walk through hard things.

Things happen for a reason (but don’t EVER tell someone that when they are grieving)  for our growth, for us to be able to help someone else later with our experiences good and bad.  It’s bigger than just me, it’s beyond my understanding EVEN 23 years later!

But…… Jesus, through obedience and surrender HE KNOWS!  Lord I need to surrender! Help my unbelief that you can and will fully provide and care for me and strengthen me.

John 16:33 Jesus says

“ In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart (have no fear)! I have overcome the world.”

What does obedience and surrender look like?

For me it means giving up control that is fear based, being fearful of illness and anything that produces chaos, so I cycle through “idols” in my life.  The cleanliness of my house, how well kept it is, my health and constantly pondering what I’m eating and going to cook, what workout to do, to the point I allow the choices to overwhelm me and anxious feelings or defeat set in.  Once I feel defeated or like I have lost the internal battle I have guilt and then I feel shame for having guilt because I just need to trust God right!  UGH!  Fear of not enough, not doing enough, not having enough finances.  Folks this is greed, when we allow ourselves to be constantly focused on money.

Satan is able to take a hold of me in these areas and I’m unable to serve as God desires me to, giving in love of my time, talents and money.  For isn’t that the point of life?  LOVE and SERVE!

Death, leaving Earth, brings us fear, this should not be.  We are told this is only temporary, a blink, a single grain of sand, this life.  My belief and faith in God and his word knows this is true, but I still live in fear.  It’s one of the most frustrating things in life right now that I allow to steal my true joy.  That true joy being a close relationship with God who promises his love and care, LET IT GO GIRL!

In 1 Thessalonians 3, I was reminded GOD DOES NOT PROMISE A LIFE WITHOUT  TRIALS, SUFFERING, PAIN AND GRIEF.  Obviously this is true or my mom would not have died at 40 leaving 4 children not yet raised and a loving spouse.  But over and over and over his promise that he will help us have the power to grow through all of it is there.  Did you feel it in your suffering of 2020?

Thank you Jesus and also I pray daily just simply “Jesus HELP ME!”  I mean HELP ME with all of it!

Help me through this suffering and to handle it as you did through the worst suffering of the passion, the cross and separation from Father God.  

The hardest prayers ever to say and mean it

“THY WILL BE DONE!” and  “GOD SEND ME!”

True prayers of total surrender and obedience.  I’m not there, but I want to be. Jesus, help me! 

And HE HAS! God has led me to this idea of Grace and Wellness a no judgement zone. A place to come and learn and begin the process of change, no matter what stage you are at. A place for me to share journeys in my own life that have improved my body, mind and soul in a healthier way. Our mess is our message! Loss is messy, but in sharing our messes it opens our hearts allows a depth of compassion for others and helps ourselves and sometimes others heal and find peace, joy and the full life that is waiting for them.

I am a motherless daughter

In memory of my Mom, Jayne Carol Poss, who left us March 9, 1998 to be with Jesus.
Are you a motherless daughter? My prayers are with you, no matter when or how it happened.

Back to School Growth For Mama

This is not a moment of tears or heart ache for this mama.  Why, I don’t know, I just have never been one to be super emotional with my kids.  I missed Owen (my oldest) when I had to leave him at 6 weeks old at the daycare provider and I returned to my full time Physical Therapist Assistant position. But, I trusted her and was confident in her ability to keep him alive.  Plus he was a thumb sucker so was always able to self-soothe.

Owen 6th

1st days of kindergarten, the kids have never been fearful, none of them.  Maybe this is why I don’t get too emotional?  All my kids have never known a stranger and sometimes that is a concern in this day and age but in moments like this where I need them to fly they do so very well.

I realize that I’m only a part of their life and they are only a part of mine.  They are not my whole life and my life might temporarily revolve around them and their needs, but just temporarily,  I have great visions and ideas God has put in me for when they no longer require my everyday assistance.

Isn’t that the point of #momlife? To work ourselves out of a job, it’s the only job you hope to become fired from.  For some of us it’s the only job you may have ever known, and I can understand how that would be scary. But God has great plans for you to continue to be that caregiver in other ways I just know it (Jeremiah 29:11-13). In building great relationships with our children we will always be needed by them too, I mean I still wish at times I could message my mom and ask something or vent.  God has made sure to place loving friends in my life to fill this void.

Nora 4th

Here is a psychological spin on it, my Mom died when I was 16, my 3 younger sisters were between 6-13, at that moment I became a “mom”, I carried on the schedules and routines my mom had already established (she was VERY good at that).  That is why these are still something I cling too, there is this deep-seated feeling that I want my kids to feel confident and prepared if anything should happen.  Now, this is completely NOT trusting in God and his plan for me or my kids. God took the best care of me that he could during that period of my life, or as much as I would allow him to.  Sometimes we do that, he is waiting with open arms to comfort us, provide wisdom and we do not allow ourselves to be open to that, he can’t force us to love him, it goes against his nature.

Ok so, that is why maybe I don’t fear the kids leaving or school? My Mom being gone at such a young age was HORRIBLE but as an adult I can look back and see the blessings, yes there are blessings in loss. I understand that this life is temporary and I ultimately have zero control of anything but how I respond and how I can choose love in any circumstance.  What can I learn from this? What character is this situation helping me build? What is God going to use this growth in me for now?

I can tell you a negative side of this is that I do have too high expectations for my kids and their abilities to be more independent and take care of themselves (for pete’s sake they are 4-11). This is something I continually am asking for wisdom on and reading all I can through my Bible or other authors that come recommended, podcasts, or those moms that are just a step ahead of me.  So please share resources that you have benefited from.

Molly 2nd

While I am an individual that thrives with organization and plans and schedules (I am an Enneagram 6 ).  These crazy kids have taught me some chaos and unpredictability is ok and have made me more dependent on God, which I’m sure was his plan all along in throwing us 5 kids in 7 years!

Ruby Kindergarten

Here is how I see today, this 1st day of school, after a summer full of fighting and loud.  It wasn’t all crazy, there were ballgames, pool trips, other trips, time with friends. They have been put on the bus this morning, I have JOY in the peace that I will be getting during the days now, it’s quiet where I can listen more to what God has to say.  I’ve been practicing all summer listening for the Holy Spirit in the LOUD it should be simple to pick out that voice when it’s quiet?  I’m ready for my own learning and growth.  I’ve established new habits during the summer with myself and the kids that the goal would be this will help us thrive completely during the school year. 

So whatever feelings may be going on inside your mama heart on these 1st days of school, embrace those and take a moment to think about why you feel this way, why am I thinking this way?  Let’s get excited about the next stage God has in his plan for us and our families. He intends for us to feel that joy down deep in our hearts regardless of the circumstance and my prayer for anyone that comes across this is that you have that, or that you are in the process of finding it.

Now, off to declutter toys and do those tasks that have been on the list all summer!  Shoot, a blog post in the 1st day when it’s been months since the last one!!! I’m super excited about the 2019/2020 school year.

Greta and I ready to take on every school day together!

Stay well!